2010 Year in Review
As 2010 nears its end, I suppose it’s about time for me to do my annual Year in Review. I usually feel pretty good about this time of evaluation and reflection. During this time I look to find the lessons learned throughout the year. I dissect the good and the bad. I review my actions and reactions. Then I prepare a mindset for success for the year ahead. This year however, I am not at all looking forward to this review although; I must for my own preservation of mind and soul.
March 2010
The most blessed of gifts was sent to my husband and me – Bralynn Jamila Franklin. She burst into this world full of life and cheer. She has been a source of great joy every since. Although complication during delivery led to what has turned out to be months of pain and agony, her smile and delightful energy masks the hurt.
When I received the epidural for pain, the specialist did something wrong and had to stick me twice. I didn’t know it then but that was the start of months of pain. Hours after Bralynn arrived I began to have horrific headaches that were so bad that I couldn’t even lift my head from the bed. Since I was trying to breastfeed, my doctor (remember her, the angel from previous blog) insisted that I have a blood patch done. So, I did. I had to stay in the hospital a couple of days longer than I had hoped, but when I left, I was much better and looking forward to taking my precious bundle of joy home to her father, brothers and sister.
May 2010
I returned to work with must hesitation. I didn't want to leave my daughter. But it was during this month that I forced to acknowledge the severity of the pain running down my left leg. Sometimes making it difficult to walk and even woke me up throughout the night. But trying to get back into the swing of things at work and catching up on my onsite inspections (statewide) I tried to take pain meds and hoped that the pain would go away. Needless to say, it did not – it got worse.
September 2010
I was faced with having to make a decision of going to Atlanta to celebrate my Grandmother’s birthday or staying in Jackson to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I was conflicted by this because I hadn’t seen Grandma in many years and I wanted her to see Bralynn. But, after prayer and meditation, I decided I had to be here for Mama’s birthday and I’d plan to see Grandma as soon as possible. This will soon become one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life, thus far. It was a stellar celebration – a fish fry. One that mother said was the best she’d ever had in her life. We had a great day with her that day. She ate and ate until she couldn’t eat anymore.
Later in the month, September 18, 2010, my husband and I celebrated our first anniversary as a married couple. It was a beautifull time for us. Considering our schedules and our devotion to the city of Jackson we elected to again put off our previously planned get away and celebrate at home. No kids. No television. No obligations. Just us - and chicken wings (my faaaavorite) and vodka. It was a most wonderful night. I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend our anniversary. Looking into my husbands eyes that night made me realize that this love is for real. It's special and it can't be replaced. My heart openned up even more that night than it did the night a year before when I met him in front of my family and close friends to welcome a lifetime of togetherness.
October 2010
After pushing myself as far as I could with the piercing pain in my leg, I finally had an MRI and it showed that I had a herniated disk which was resting on a nerve in my back. UGH!!!!! Are you kidding me? Since we don’t have any idea where it came from, I speculate that it came from carrying my precious baby girl in my aged body that hadn’t had any type of pressure of that kind for 15 years. My body, although in full cooperation, was in shock at having to carry that load I was so happy to welcome.
November 2010
On Thanksgiving Day, we again celebrated as a family. It’s always a great day to see everyone and to shower Mama with hugs and kisses. This time though, she spent much of the day sleeping. But, it didn’t matter, she was still there and we all appreciated having her in our midst. That was on the 26th. On November 30, my mother went to sleep, woke up early and told the nurse at the nursing home that she was “ready to go”. Since it was hours before her ride to dialysis was to arrive, they informed her that she had plenty of time and that she should just go lay back down and get some rest. She did. She slept straight into her eternal rest.
December 2010
So, I close out this year without the most consistent love I’ve had in my entire life. One of the first things I did was pull a column I’d written in the Jackson Free Press titled, “A Woman’s Worth”. I wrote the piece after a Celebration of Life Ceremony that we’d put together for Mama. I noticed that the date was December 10, 2008. This date, two years later, would be the beginning of the weekend that we laid her earthly body to rest.
Still suffering from this pain of not having my mama around to offer advice and comfort and being there for me no matter what life throws my way, I am now having to face outpatient surgery on the pinched nerve in my back. It’s only been days since mama’s transition and already I am faced with a major episode of life without my mother there to calm my anxiety and reassure me that everything will be okay. But, I know she lives within me and I can hear her whispering to me, “Baby, just pray. God will take care of you. It’ll be ok.”
This year started out with me opening my heart to a brand new love and it ended with my heart being shattered into tiny peices letting go of a love that's held my heart captive for all my days. In between that time, I have grown closer to my sisters, Keda and Darlene; to my son, RhoShon; and to my husband, Brad. I know that it's all because the Creator favors me enough to give me exactly what I need and not anymore than I can bare.
So 2010, here's to you....
Two Thousand and Ten
A joy and a pain you’ve been
I wondered for many years
And even cried as many tears
It took fifteen of you
For my blessing to come thru
But now I can clearly see
Why the years before couldn’t be
When I think of what mostly, I’d miss
It’s her angelic smile that seems to persist
But I can still see it every day
It’s just in a smaller frame and way
I don’t have to question the Creator’s plan
For His strength is perfect and I understand
I never would have had the strength to get through
If I didn’t have that 9 month old baby to cling to
So dear Lord of Heaven, all my trust I give
With the promise of a better life I’ll live
There will never be another twenty-ten
For this is the year I’ve changed within
No longer my mama’s baby and it hurts me so
But I find comfort in all I know
This reality brings many tears and much pain
Yet her living shall not be in vain.
**QueenFolayan**
12/14/2010
Mama, I love you forever and always. Rest in Peace, my precious, precious angel.