Be Open To The Signs

Keeping an eye and spirit open for universal signs of life, has become like taking deep breaths for me.  I've learned to accept that nothing is by chance and all things are designed to create the path we follow.  But, even after recognizing this, it still took me a while to notice that even a by-chance encounter; or, a message left on a wall; or, even a commercial can all mean something to the right person, willing to receive it at the right time. 

I was met with the brisk breeze of fresh air pushing against my skin.  I lay on the couch trying to take a nap as I often do whenever I receive a random couple of hours free of The Little One.  The back door was open which meant that my husband had made it home and he was out back feeding the dogs.  Something whispered to me as I tried to ignore the urge to get up, “Go see.”  I got up and went to the back door, but my husband wasn’t there.  Neither was our golden retriever/lab, Sheeba.  She often takes off for a run around the block if she gets a chance.  He always runs after her even when I insist that he doesn’t have to, she’ll return once she’s gotten her fill of exercise. 

I felt an unwelcomed emotion.  I was sad.  Something hit me as if to say, what if he doesn’t come back (my husband).  Then I looked over at Shaka, Sheeba’s baby boy, and it seemed as if he may have been wondering the same thing about his mother and play mate.  I ventured to the puppy and gave him a little moment of reassurance and then I ran in the house to call my husband.  I was worried.  By the time I got back to the couch, he was returning.  He was very upset with Sheeba, needless to say.

I brushed off the anxiety and charged it to my constant battle with insecurities.

A few days later, I became ill – a really weird sickness.  I was exhausted, nauseous, light-headed.  I had no fever but I could not move my body without being winded and feeling strain in my joints.  I couldn’t work and I didn’t ever think it was going to end.  He was there.  He took care of me.  He held my hand and looked into my eyes as if he was fearful of how stressed out I was.  He worried that I was worried.  In that moment, I felt the same anxiety that I felt days before when he ran off after Sheeba. 

What if he wasn’t here? 

The third point of clarity came and it wasn’t as delightful as holding my hand or rushing back into the house.  This time it was an argument.  I’d said something crazy that only emotionally driven, women-with-baggage can even fathom to present in a normal conversation.  He said things that let me know that he was upset with whatever I said (thankfully, I’ve purged myself and can no longer remember what I said).  He asked me the exact question, I’d been downplaying in my own spirit.  “What if I wasn’t here?” (Yes, that part I do remember.)

I retreated to a place where I would no longer be interrupted by these little signs.  I didn’t want to know what was next.  I would just rather not.  I knew it was there.  I knew if I wanted to tune into it, I could.  I chose not to.  I did that for a while.   But, one day I couldn’t anymore.  I received three different messages from three different people all in one day and the message was the same every time.  “You are afraid to let go because you are afraid of being left.”

That was it.  I had to go in deep.  I had to evaluate myself and understand what was happening.  I knew this one wouldn’t be easy because it had already caused me physical pain trying to avoid it. 

Here’s what I learned:

A daughter’s most meaningful relationship during her formative years is with her father.  My father left me at an age when I should have been learning how to expect men to treat me.  He left me - not knowing how to recognize love from a man.  So, not only did I end up in an abusive relationship, but I also conditioned myself to never trust a man.  I believed that in order to protect myself, I must always have a wall of protection around my heart so that when (not if) that man ever left, I’d be ok.  I could make it without him.  Unfortunately, this isn’t a good mindset to have when you’re married.

No matter how we try to mask the small tokens life gives us to ease our path, they are there.  We tend to recognize the huge things like job promotions, new relationships, etc… But we don’t open up our spirit enough to feel the small things.  For me, it takes more energy trying to avoid the inevitable signs than it does to just accept them.  I’m going to do my part as a living being to contribute to this universal experience we call life.  I could have missed this opportunity to develop; to recognize myself.  One thing I know is that if you miss it, it’ll only come back again until you get it. 

The signs may not always be welcomed or easy, but they will always be.  All we have to do is want to see them.

UPDATE 04/24/2013: So I wrote this a few weeks ago but I forgot to post it here.  Remembering that I recognize that nothing is by chance, when I ran upon it this morning I knew there was a reason I didn't post it.  As well as a reason why I was directed to it.  Shortly after I wrote this, Sheeba and Shaka were both taken from our house.  I've sort of been a little happy because I feel like maybe whoever took them has more room for them and are possibly more "dog people" than we are.  But, on the other hand, Sheeba was to me a representation of the struggle it took for Brad and I to get back to each other.  She was an engagement gift.  You see, all my life I wanted a golden retriever or a yellow lab.  She was both.  When we ran across a post on FB about these puppies, I sort of mentioned it to Brad and he surprised me with her.  She was just a baby when I got her.  There was a bond there that I'd never experienced.  Anyway, needless to say, although I truly miss her, I realize that she left me.  I was abandoned again by something I loved.  But, I am still here.  My husband who I love so dearly is still here.  My children are still here.  So, it's not about what leaves, it's about what's left.