BLENDED FAMILIES TAKE WORK!

Let’s be real!  Blended families are hard.  There are no easy answers and no one family dynamic is the same.  My mother had five other children before she met my father.  When he came into the picture my oldest brothers were nearly grown.  However, there was a level of respect there, which I never questioned.  I believe that my older siblings loved our mother so much that they wouldn’t dare interfere with anything that brought her happiness.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned of some decisions that my parents made that were not in the children’s best interest.  But, I know they believed it to be at the time.  Point is there was never a doubt about who the parents were.  Nor was there any doubt that my father loved my mother’s children as his own.  I believe he could have done a better job, but as I said, blended families are not easy.

My husband and I both came into our marriage with children.  He already had two – a girl and a boy, and I had a son.  It was a bit easy for me with the girl because we had moments of bonding like braiding her hair that I didn’t get with his son.  But we actually sat the children down together and individually to explain to them what was happening in our relationship.  We both wanted them to be on board.  If there was any resentment or any level of discomfort, we wanted the children to know that they could tell us.  None of the three of them expressed an issue with us being together and beginning our lives in unison, but later, both of the boys acted out.  Turns out, it was a bit more difficult on the boys to accept their father/mother not being together than it was for my step-daughter.  I still don’t understand that.

My son actually told us that he didn’t want to accept Brad, but he would because he loved me.  It took some time, but my husband went above and beyond to prove to my son that he could trust him as a father figure.  Eventually, they built a strong bond and my son now cherishes this man as his step-father.  I have tried to do the same with his children. 

I’m not sure that many families do that and I’m almost certain that most don’t do the second necessary part which is have a conversation with the biological parents.  My husband spoke to his children’s mothers out of respect for them to let them know our relationship was serious and moving to the next level.  When his daughter’s mother got married, she did the same thing.  There is a level of respect that requires this communication.  It’s impossible to raise children when the parents can’t get along and do not present a united front.  Children can sense when the adults in their lives are caught in sensitive, dramatic situations and they do what children do – manipulate them.  It’s hard to stay focused on the parental guidance required of us when we are stuck in relationship drama and lack of closure.

I know this first hand because while we took care of this with my husband’s children, I never had this conversation with my son’s step mother.  I tried.  But I was met with resistance.  I can only assume that it’s because the father did not communicate with me or his wife to keep things open.  Some disdain grew and to this day it is not a pleasant situation.  My son is now preparing to go off to college so I am hoping that the situation fixes itself.  I’ll be the first to say that I could have stepped up and done more, I suppose, to create a good line of communication.  But I won’t accept the blame on my own.  That would be ridiculous.

I can warn couples who have children coming into their marriages that you must bring closure to the old relationships before committing to a new one.  You can’t bring closure without communication.  You can’t expect the other person to know the relationship is over just because you don’t come around anymore.  Sure they’ll get the point, eventually.  But, the mature thing is to alleviate any room for misconception and hurt feelings.  This can only lead of confusion and conflict and this can go on and on for years if not addressed.

Then, you have to be honest with your child.  Clearly advise that this decision to move on with someone new includes them.  Just because you are no longer with the mother/father, doesn’t mean that the child somehow looses a parent.  Show them that this is just an opportunity to have two complete families.  It’s all in the way you handle things.  I am still very giddy about the fact that the first time I spent Christmas with my husband’s family the mothers and children were there – including my son.  I didn’t even know that was possible.  I have to laugh because I remember thinking “who does this?”  But I have spent graduations, birthdays, holidays, etc… with them many times since that first time.  Before this relationship, this entire idea was foreign to me.  I’d never met a baby mama that didn’t hate me and/or the father of her children for whatever reason. 

I also would be remised if I didn’t mention that speaking negatively about your ex or about your ex’s ex is highly inappropriate and immature.  There is never a cause that should warrant speaking negatively to your child or step-child about their parent.  If you feel like the father is a creep or the mother is full of drama, fine.  Chances are you don’t have the entire story.  But let’s just say they are dramatic or creepy, it’s not your place to fill your child’s head with YOUR impression of their parent.  That child deserves to make their own decision about their parent.  Let time tell it, not you.  If the father really is a dead beat, you won’t have to tell the child that.  Soon enough they’ll figure it out.  If the mother really is just greedy and doesn’t want to work, your child will see that without your input.  All you really do when you spew that type of negativity is hurt the child.

This brings me to my last point.  If you cannot love your mate’s child as your very own, don’t even pretend to try.  That child will sense that, hear it, and learn that.  Then you will have created a child who is damaged before even reaching adulthood.  I’ve seen step-parents who literally destroy their step-children with angry words and careless behavior.  I find it to be absolutely disgusting.  You can’t truly love the man/woman you’re with if you can’t bring yourself to love his/her off-spring.  It’s quite simple, really. 

So, I urge you, who find yourselves in blended families, to take intentional steps to be inclusive with the biological parents.  Go the extra mile to embrace the children of those relationships.  If you can’t love those children like they belong to you, forgo the entire relationship.  I’d venture that you don’t even love yourself, but that’s an entirely different column.  I was born into a blended family and I find myself in one of my own.  I’m a witness that it’s hard.  You sort of have to just take it as it comes.  We are still trying to get it right.  But, I know that it takes all the parents being on board with the idea of making the family work.  I attest to the fact that there will be hurt feelings and tears before it’s all done.  Still, I can also declare that it can work.  Everyone just has to want it to work.