Confession - Part 1

It's no secret to anyone who's ever ventured to this blog before that I write as therapy.  In an effort to evaluate who I am - bad and good - I come here and I have talks with myself.  In exposing myself, I hope to create dialogue about topics that most people are too uncomfortable to discuss openly.  I tend to give of myself by offering personal (true) experiences so that any one of you reading this will a) know a little more about me and b) hopefully learn something more about yourself.  This entry will be no different except that it's not about something I've overcome.  It's about something I am working through.   

I’ve spoken openly and very candidly about being a victim of domestic violence. I’ve spoken openly about how losing my father at the tender age of 13 has shaped my life. I’ve spoken about the eternal roller coaster ride that lasted fourteen years of me trying to bring my little girl into the world. Most recently, I have spoken about my mother’s transition which I am still coping with. 

All of these things (plus some that I haven’t even cracked open the door to) have made me into the perfect mass of imperfection that I am today.

In trying to work through these imperfections I have to face who I am as a result of these life changing events. I’m not exactly proud of some of the realizations this evaluation has brought forth, but I am proud of acknowledging these issues so that I can move pass them.

I am untrusting.

I tend to want to own and protect anything that I love. That, in itself, isn’t really that bad. However, it makes it very difficult to let go of things. Since I know this, over time I’ve created a thick wall around my heart to protect myself from the hurt that accompanies losing things that I love, or relationships with people I love. This doesn’t really work because we don’t really – truly- control our emotions. People get paid big bucks to tell us that we do, but, actually we can only learn how to handle our emotions, not control them. 

I’ve had plenty of relationships/friendships that suffered at the hands of my inability to love without ownership, but they all happened after one particular situation with a friend that really began my journey into not trusting and being guarded which eventually lead me to being selfish with my heart.

I had a very close friend in college who was more like a big sister. I entered college the same year I turned 16, so of course I was still mentally a kid and not prepared for making decisions or for evaluating people to determine their "realness". I was very trusting at this point of my life and simply put - niave.  She was “saved” and she owned a beautiful spirit. I wanted to be around her all the time. She was pleasant and she smiled a lot (I’m a sucker for smiles. They warm my heart – due to growing up with a mother whose smile made the sunshine seem dim). 

Let’s call my friend Amy – not her real name by the way. 

Amy eventually fell head over heels in love with a guy who just happened to be my best friend. He didn’t like her the way she liked him, but he liked her. Who could not like a person who was so friendly and pleasant? He was a nice guy. I put both of them on this spiritual pedestal, of which I tore down and it hasn’t been replaced since then. I expected them to be what they presented themselves as which was really “holy” people who couldn’t possibly fall short of God’s glory. 

Well, since this is about me – not them, I’ll make a long story short. Amy lied to him and to me about something that never should be lied about and certainly not from a person of her “holy” caliber. In that lie, she stole my faith in female friendship and belief that a female could be a true, upstanding friend to another. (YES, this one incident weighed that heavily on my young, gentle soul.) This action birthed a total distrust and doubt in “holiness”. It also convinced me that women, even the good ones, can be capable of all types of ridiculous, unfathomable acts when it comes to a man they want. 

I’ve had close females friends since then, but I have not really been able to get back to the place where I can be friends with someone I admired as much as I did Amy. Fact of the matter is, I haven't really admired a woman (my age or close) since Amy.  Don't get me wrong, I’ve had women come into my life that were admirable, but the level of friendship only reached a certain level before I began to find reasons not to offer my trust to these women.  I believed that I had to protect myself from the inevitable moment when it would become obvious that she too couldn’t be trusted. Being on guard and standing ready for this moment would shelter me from the pain of being let down by someone – a woman. I was never really convinced that a woman could truly be a real friend. It was easy for me to create this in my head because every male friend I’ve ever had in my life is STILL a great friend. I didn’t have to worry about men pretending with me, they didn’t bother with that type of behavior, at least in my experience.

I’ve know this to be a problem in my soul for years. I didn’t know how to “work it out” and I still don’t. But I know that I must. This hurt and pain (and ignorance to be blunt) is what lead me to founding SIPPI. My strong desires to get pass this imperfection lead me to reach out to women who I thought highly of and ask them to share in my space. Since most of them had already spoken about having similar disappointments with female/female friendships, I figured we could help each other to heal. 

I’m clear now though that the reason why SIPPI has started and stopped numerous times since its inception is because its founder has NOT healed. I can’t very well lead an organization that promotes sisterhood if I, myself, have issues to work out to that same regard. 

It’s getting better though.   The universe is working with me. I’ve found myself in the midst of true friendships with women happening without me even noticing so I haven’t had time to prepare for the “let down”. I’ve not had to build up a wall to protect me from them because I didn’t see the friendship happening….it just did. 

I guess that’s what developing relationships is all about.

It’s unfortunate that I’ve been wrapped in pain and living in fear for so much of my life. *here come the tears*  I’m sure that I’ve lost great friends. I’m sure I’ve put many people through a lot of mess that could have been avoided. But, this goes to show that what happens in the developmental stages of life really do come back to haunt us at some point.  I hadn’t given much thought to how much Amy hurt me. I pushed that situation out of my mind and with it went my belief in friendship and women. I let one incident, one woman, one crushing moment in my youth dictate every relationship with a woman I’d have from that moment on. Every female to me was Amy and I refused to let her get me again. SMH!

Now, thanks to the fact that I have to create a better existence for my little girl than the one I’ve had, I know that I must treat women better. I must begin to accept women in my heart.  Most importantly, I must let Amy be Amy and everyone else be who they are to me. I can't go on cheating myself of the experience of having real friendships without doubt and fences.  I have to allow people to treat me well; love me and me love them; see positive first.

I am afraid; I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. I don’t particularly care for being hurt. I’d much rather just avoid it all together. That's been my motto for most of life's challenges - avoid it.  However, the chance that a true friend could come from each relationship is reason enough to try, believe and let go.

This is my confession.