Crying Out - July 27, 2010

 Many may know that I take my place in this universe very seriously. I don’t play around with the understanding that what you give out, you get back. I try to live my life accordingly, however, like many - I fall short from time to time.

Most of the time when my journey comes to a point where I have to make a faith-based decision, it frightens me. I wonder if I have what it takes. I pray that what my spirit is saying to me is actually of God. I think. Who will support me? I can’t do this on my own. I make up all kinds of excuses to not move. I begin to question everything about me and what makes me work. Then, just as my strength begins to fade, here comes ole Satan himself to add fuel to the fire.

My friends disappear – almost like clockwork. I begin to have trouble getting up going to work, and other business affairs. I get lazy and tired. My energy simply eases away like a leaf blowing in the wind. When it’s real serious, I begin to put distance between me and my family. Something simple can spark a huge explosion. This is not how my family and I usually relate, so once this happens I know what to look for next.

Depression. Tears increase. Sadness wakes me up and lay with me through the night. I become angry that I am crying so much and that takes the depression to a level that simply consumes me. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to laugh. I don’t want to sing. None of which is a part of my natural being. 

There is only one word that I can think of that could create such a state of devastation. There is only one emotion that can cause this routine to interrupt my regular ease and disposition. There’s one thing that can shake my spirit in such a fashion that I loose myself in its power. 

FEAR!

Fear of newness;

Fear of the unknown;

Fear of greatness;

Fear of being chosen and then not succeeding;

Fear of knowing and not knowing;

Fear of embracing and progressing.

Well, I have decided NOT to live in fear. I have decided that what the Creator has for me is indeed, FOR ME. I will march on to victory for He holds my hand. I have nothing to fear for MY GOD is always with me and I know he’d never leave me. My mother once told me that God only wants us to be faithful and to trust. Well, no wonder I have such a problem. I haven’t learned how to trust anyone fully. However, I am much better today than I was yesterday and will get even better tomorrow.

So, Lord, bring it on. My next tearing session will be in celebration of the mountains you’ve moved from my path. The next song I sing will be to praise you for directing my path. The next talk I give will be to honor you for choosing me.