Dear Life
Dear Life,
Greetings friend. It’s been a minute since we actually talked. I know you’ve been busy kicking up dust and running amuck. I’ve tried to keep up with you, but every time I think I have you cornered, you pull some sort of trickery. I must admit that you keep me at odds with myself, but I never give up on the chase.
I remember when I was much younger, I had you totally confused. I thought I was supposed to follow your lead. I thought you made the plan and I was expected to just stay in line. I tried so hard not to upset you. You tend to be very vindictive. I didn’t want to square up with you. I mean, let’s be clear, my first real introduction to your power was when you snatched my daddy away when I was 13. I have to admit that I’ve probably let you control me every since that moment. The moment in the hospital room when all the family sat around listening to that preacher pray over my daddy. I should have known that you were full of shit then. How? Because, while you were trying to steal away in some safe and secure part of my soul, I watched Daddy’s soul leave his body and look down over us. Not a single soul saw that but me, I assume. I should have known at that very moment that you are not the highest power. You are working for the same power that breathed life in me; the same one that lifted my daddy’s soul from that bed.
But, I was young. I didn’t know what that meant. So, I let you hide away in the depth of my being. I let you kidnap my desire to prevail. I let you ease into my spirit and dictate my path. Once I gave into you, I became your prisoner. I was at your beck and call.
When you showed up again, I thought we were getting along pretty well. You let me feel loved again. Something you’d convinced me was impossible even though my mother and my siblings never ever stopped loving me. You convinced me that no one could love me but my Daddy and since he was gone, it was futile to even hope for it. Then this man showed up. I didn’t even like him at first. But you made me think that I needed him. So I gave into you yet again. I let you keep me there – confused, broken, hurt, damaged, victimized and abused. I let you tell me that this was what I had to look forward to. So I stayed. For years, far too many – I stayed. I went through all kinds of hell during that time. I found myself abused while being abused by a totally separate man. You must have really been threatened by what I stood to gain from being clear and being love. You must have known that I have all the power in me to not be controlled by you. The only thing that made me vulnerable was the fact that I did not know how to love myself.
Even when I was finally released from that time period of hell, you meant to keep me bound. You had already stolen all my dreams. You’d already succeeded in me feeling unworthy. I didn’t feel smart anymore. I didn’t feel pretty anymore. I didn’t feel any of the things my parents had taught me. You had broken me down to the core and I was afraid of you. Yes, life, I was afraid of you. You beat me down to a mere token of a person. Then you made the worse mistake possible. You got greedy. You fucked up.
You took my mama. You took my everything from me. There was nothing left for me to lose at that point. I walked around in a daze for two years after she left. I was weary and worn. I didn’t care anymore what you did with me. I didn’t care about how much control you had. I was done. I hit rock bottom. You know the thing about hitting rock bottom. There is nowhere to go but up after that. There is nothing to do but either die or be born again. You see at this point it wasn’t about you, life. At this point, you’d allowed my mother and my father to share the same spiritual space. They’d gathered together with the same force that picked my daddy up from that hospital bed. They’d joined together now. The same force that was sending my mother to me in my dreams was meeting them. That force sent my mother to me to show me that you – life – are not as powerful as what comes before and after you. You don’t hold any cards on me. You don’t make me who I am. All you are is a vessel just like me. You have no more power over me than I give you.
So my Mama and my Daddy got together and they pulled me out of your dungeon of hate and despair. They did like they’ve done all my life. They directed me. Even beyond what you thought you’d given them, they still live. So I ask you, dear life, who has the power? You are temporary. True living is in our hearts and soul. True living is in our smiles and in our tears. True living is in every act of kindness, every prayer. You don’t have the power to control me. You can’t make me unhappy. You can’t take what happens to me and claim it as your property. No! That belongs to the Almighty. That belongs to the power that created all things, including you.
So, while I could easily say that I hate what you’ve done to me. I could say that I hate how you’ve made the last two decades of my life pure hell. Sure I could tell you that you’ve stolen the best years from me and I would be well within my right to hate you. But God has taken what was meant to be ugly and made it beautiful. God has created in me a brand new respect for TRUE living. God has shown me the glory that you are; that I never before witnessed. Since you are of God and so am I. No, Life, I don’t hate you. I love you. I welcome you. Most of all, I thank you. I’m a vessel for the glory of God today and had you not been a thorn in my side, I would have ever learned how to respect you.
I see you now. And for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE, I finally see me! I see my life. You don’t claim me, I claim YOU. You are MY life. I don’t belong to you anymore. You will not ever again relish in my pain; control my happiness. You can’t even keep my mother and my father away from me. They are stronger than you are. They live in me, and we, with The Creator. I AM LIFE!
Love always,
Funmi Folayan Franklin