Embrace Your Blessings

Here’s a piece of information you may not know about me…… I have serious anger issues.  Where they come from, I have no idea.  I should probably seek some psychological therapy to try to figure out where it comes from.  Is this anger left over from my father’s death at the tender age of 13?  I remember feeling like I was being punished and I was truly angry at God for taking my daddy away.  Is it anger that exploded into my psyche after being dumped by an abuser?  I remember being very upset with myself that I wasn’t woman enough to leave this man even after he cheated and physically abused me for years.  How dare he put me out after I’d stayed with him through all of that?  Maybe I’m angry at the fact that I’m not at the place I want to be in my career.  Can I really call this a career?  I have a government job and I get paid very little.  I thought by now I’d have my own business and I’d be changing lives somehow.  I could be angry at white people for all the years of slavery and segregation.  Some would argue that I wasn’t directly affected so that wouldn’t be the cause.  That’s crazy!  I won’t even get into that.

Fact of the matter is it could be any or all of these things that linger in my soul and cause me to be a walking box of anger.  But, how important is it really to know what has caused my anger?  Does it really matter in the grand scheme of life what has caused it?  I’m sure many would tell me that in order to get past this anger, I need to know where it came from.  So, for the sake of that argument, I’ll just say it came from all of those things.  Now, how in the hell do I move past it.  How do I remove this anger from my mind, my heart, my soul?  This anger can easily cost me my marriage or my relationship with my family/friends.  I don’t want to be ruled by anger anymore.  I want the peace I was promised.  I want to enjoy life and enjoy the people around me.  Besides, these headaches, all this crying and the faint-filled moments are starting to come way too frequently for my taste.

This morning, I had a talk with a good friend – my friends are the people who God placed in my life to “keep me on track”.  These are the people who stay clear of the ego stroke.  They can’t be fake with me.  They simply are not built that way.  I may not even talk to these “friends” regularly but every conversation is meaningful and contributes to evolution. 

I was told by this friend that I “won’t let go”.  I thought she might have me confused with someone else. 

I won’t let go? 

Let go of what? 

She continued after glancing at the confusion plastered over my face, “You have so much pain and you hold on to it.  You refuse to let it go.”

Okay!  That makes sense.  I can’t argue that fact.  However, I don’t think I agree with her that I don’t “let it go”.

She stated, “You block yourself off as if you don’t want any help with your pain or releasing your pain."  Basically she said that I had plenty to offer but I limit myself.  I limit the amount of help I'll accept and the amount of help I'll give. 

Booooyah!

There we go!  Here’s something that I’ve never thought about and can't recall ever being told.  I have announced to myself and adapted in my mind that I want to do something for people.  I want to offer my life experiences to others so they don’t have to go through the pain I’ve gone through.  What I have not done a very good job of, however, is letting anyone help me through my pain.  So, does it ever really leave?  Do I ever really work through it?

Most people who are familiar with my writing know that I talk all the time (and write all the time) about how writing heals me.  Is that not funny?  Writing is only a vessel to get things out that are resting on my heart.  But I don’t receive input back from my writing.  I don’t get chastised from my writing.  As a matter of fact, I don’t like being chastised.  I’ve had very little chastising since my father died in 1988.  I’d venture to say that I have had three people tell me about myself in the past five years.  Two people who have earned that term “friend”.  Guess what!  Now this will shock you.  Although there was never a falling out with these two, I’m not close to either of them anymore.  Does that mean that I can’t take being corrected or given a piece of myself that I don’t want to face?  Uh, probably so!

The third person is my husband.  He gets onto me all the time.  But that’s different, I think I’ve pretty much accepted that correcting wives is just what husbands do.  My husband is VERY good at it too.  I mean he is Mr. Correction!  Still though, he’ll tell you, I’m not a big fan of hearing it and often I scream at him so loud that the conversation gets deflected from what I’ve done to cause the conversation in the first place, to “why the hell are you screaming at me?”  So, I suppose it’s safe to say that I have very little interest in hearing what I’ve done wrong and what I need to do to make it right.

This has probably kept me from opening up about myself and my pain.  I’ve known I’ve had anger issues for most of my adult life.  So maybe subconsciously I decided if I don’t share my pain with people, I don’t have to hear about what I need to do to correct it or what I’ve done to contribute to the pain. 

It’s much easier for me to offer words of wisdom to people who will listen than it is for me to listen to words of wisdom from people.  I’m not at all proud of that.  I didn’t know that I was so limited in this way.  But, I accept it.  I recognize that this life is about changing and growing.  If this deficiency has caused me to hold anger or to limit myself to opening up, I want it to stop.  If this hurt and pain has found a permanent resting place in my soul, I can’t exist peacefully.  If my biggest contribution to the world is through offering wisdom, and this limitation is keeping me from experiences true, wise experiences, then I am failing.  There’s more to me than this and I can’t allow pain and anger to control me any longer.  I love my life and I figure now’s a good enough time to start really living it.

So i have to thank my "friend" for speaking openly to me about me and owning no remorse.  We have to learn to accept constructive critisim.  I know it's hard to fathom, but sometimes when people correct you or tell you about yourself, they really do care.  They really do want to see you improve.   They just may see what you can be when you can't see.  Be thankful for those people and know that they are genuine.  Besides, even if they are not and mean to crush your spirit, you control that!  I control that!  Evaluate their comments, see if they have merit and then make it positive even if it wasn't meant for that purpose. 

I've learned that The Creator can use anyone to serve his purpose.  Be mindful of that and take the good with the bad.  If it's bad, make it good!  Be thankful for those who take the time to offer you constructive critisim.  There are blessings all around you, embrace them!