Keep Shining!

I often sit back and think about what type of reaction my actions cause.  I care about the message I relay to people.  Not because it’s so important to me that people like me; or, that I have respect from my peers.  It matters to me because I feel like the work I do is a part of a master plan designed by the Creator of my life.  Therefore, if I am not diligent in getting the message that he wants delivered across, then I feel like I’ve not succeeded in reaching my goal – whatever it is at that time.

One thing I learned from watching my father maneuver thru his path is that no matter how hard you try or where your heart lies, someone will have a problem with what you do or plan to do.  Even if you were handing out free money to anyone who came to retrieve it, someone would complain that it wasn’t enough or that you gave too much.  Someone would call you up and say, “Why you didn’t tell me, you gave out money?”  “Oh, you giving out money to folk you don’t even know.  Why not give it to this person, or that person?”; or, “Why you didn’t do it Tuesday instead of Friday?”; or “Why not downtown instead of in Fondren?”  You will not win, I promise you.

That’s why I have made two very conscience decisions.

The first is that, I will stay true to my vision.  When you allow people to influence your vision, it becomes jaded and confusing.  You’ve already given your vibe to the universe when you acknowledged and accepted the vision.  Therefore, to go back, and cloud it with other people’s opinions and their chatter about what should be and what shouldn’t be, will only lend to universal confusion and self-doubt.  Some people thrive on knowing that they shook you up.  They may have no other motive at all except to make you change your direction.  They may not find any joy or pleasure in any other thing, except seeing to it that you don’t have an easy road to travel.  My guess is that this is normal behavior for those who either have not determined their path or they find happiness in the sadness of other people.  At any rate, they have no more power with me. 

I’m gone with the wind, boo.

Second, I have decided that people generally want to be helped.  But, there are people out there who have no idea that they need help.  They see themselves in a place that doesn’t actually exist.  It’s a made up place where their position is completely fictional and they don’t know it.  The world they live in is created for them, by them.  The problem with that is that, once they step outside that world of theirs, the reality is tainted.  They can’t recognize it.  They are still expecting everyone to fall into the world where they reside.  So when that doesn’t happen they begin to pull against the natural order of life and make the world be what they want it to be.  I can only help people who know that they are not perfect; who accept constructive criticism.  Look, if you are not in a good place in your life, when someone comes to you with a message that is intended to improve your existence, to you it will sound like hate and rhetorical chatter.  It will go completely over your head and soak into your heart as negativity when it was not intended that way.  A negative ear cannot decipher the harsh truth for what it is without feeling attacked.  So, I’m twirling all over the folk who refuse assistance and who spit on the wisdom I’ve come to own.  I didn’t ask for this life, these trials; the hardships that I’ve gone through.  But I did ask The Creator to use me so that I can help someone else avoid the chaos that once claimed me.    

It took a lot of years and trying times to get to the point that I’m at today.  I am an open book about the domestic violence, the horrible decisions, etc…  I don’t hid anything because I am NOT ashamed of it.  I was chosen to go through so that another woman doesn’t have to endure it.  I can’t make someone want to move pass their current mindset to a better one.  That’s something a person has to want of themselves.  It’s not my job and I won’t accept it as such. 

I’ve made mistakes on my path and I know exactly what they are because I am open to criticism.  I can critique myself, but I also have people around me who I know want me to win.  I can be vulnerable and listen to people tell me what my mistakes were (as they see them).  I can evaluate myself and grade my efforts.  I know that this life is a lesson and I want to continue to learn and grow.  If that means that I have to fall down a lot in order to walk up right from time to time, so be it.  I know that I’m not perfect and I also know that most folk who think they are perfect are far from it.  The difference in me today and yesterday, I will no longer attach myself to another person’s pain or denial.  That belongs to that individual, not me.  I’ve cried my last tear over not being able to help someone who doesn’t want it.  To that end,   I won’t smile in the face of evil when I know it’s there.  Today, I can boldly look deep into the eyes of darkness and continue to shine.