Me and My Tears

You’ve heard me say before that I am a weeper and I don’t mind crying, right?  Well, that was before my mother transitioned and I realized that I had to face this world without her.  I feel like I have literally cried every day for two years straight – and counting.  Now I have to wonder, even knowing that depression during grief is a normal reaction, what am I not doing to get past this?  Why does it continue to hurt so much?  I use to be in a good place with shedding a tear here or there, but now, I know that these tears are coming from a place that I have no control over – like at all. 

I’ve been in the grocery store and walked into a woman with gray hair and dark toned skin and had to high tail it out of the store to cry.

I’ve been sitting at my computer screen at work and suddenly catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, tucked away beside my dymo label and tears are beginning to form in my eyes.  Suddenly I’m gone and when I return, sitting in the same spot, I find myself franticly wiping away streams of tears from my face.

I’ve truly done my share of crying.  I’ve been offered anti-depressants.  I refused.  I believe if it’s in the order of the universe for me to go through this, then I shall go through it.  Yes, I am well aware that it will lead to tear soaked pillows.  I may have to continue pulling over on the side of the road to boohoo.  I may be facing an unknown amount of time that I have to yield myself to the spiritual order of living.  Well, if that’s what I have to do, then I shall. 

I’ve decided that instead of being angry that my tears arrive without an invitation, I will welcome them.  I will make room for them to come and I will bask in their presence asking what I can do this time to make their visit a swift one.  What can I do to help you give me the gift you barged in to bestow upon me?  How can I assist in your purpose here? 

Maybe if I work with my tears, my emotions, instead of dancing on the surface of the lack of energy I feel after they come and the hurt that company them, I’ll just relax.  I’ll just close my eyes and pray that whatever their reason for coming this time is, it will be revealed to me so that they don’t have to come back – so soon.  And, if they do come back, maybe the next time they’ll be coming back for something else.  I might be able to grow through each crying spell if I work with my spirit, my emotions, my tears, my pain.  Surely it’s of me, for me, so why would it be working against me. 

Tears come to bring release that we cannot find in our own natural mind, I think.  Especially when dealing with the loss of a loved one, a dear sweet loved one like a mother.  Tears come to offer a little bit of ease to that burning hole in our soul that doesn’t know how to heal itself - that hole that continues to throb and ache day in and day out.  Tears come to bring some peace and some relief to that pain.  But if we don’t work with the tears, they take over.  They come to do a job and they mean to stay until they accomplish it.  I believe if I work with my tears, give them room to do what they need to do for me, I might be able to get through this.