Missing Mama

While I’m sure that everyone has low times in their lives, I can’t help but feel alone. Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you just feel like something “ain’t right”? Without being able to put your finger on any significant issues, you can’t shake it. Well that cloud of distress is circling around me presently and I don’t like it – at all.

Recently, I administrated a hearing and the defendant was a care giver who referred to her receiver as being a great person who influenced her life greatly. She said this person to whom she provided care was like an angel and when she “expired” it left a hole in her heart. At that moment, without any form of notice, my spirit sank and I’ve been struggling to lift it ever since.

I immediately excused myself and ran out the quickest exit and began to cry uncontrollably. Ironically, this was a cloudy day and rain was forecasted. I looked up at the sky and I begged The Creator to make it go away. Although I am use to being affected by other’s pain and hurt and often shedding tears for them, this time, it seemed as though this pain was not that of another, but my own. I asked The Creator right then and there to reveal to me why I was so hurt and why I could not control my tears. 

“You miss her. She’s your mother, Funmi.”

I’ve had not one moment of peace since I received that voice in my spirit that day. I’ve been melancholy. I’ve been sad and distraught. I’ve been feeling overlooked, ignored and neglected – mostly by my husband and family. They’re doing nothing any different than usual. But what I’ve come to realize is that these people are the closest to me and I expect them to notice when I am not at my best. My mother did. Why can’t they?

Soon I began to understand that there simply is no other love; no other relationship; no other being that will ever come close to the one that gives life. My mother would call me in the middle of a breakdown for no apparent reason and say, “hey baby, what’s wrong?” We didn’t play around with it. I’d immediately go into whatever was bothering me. I never asked how she knew something was wrong because she always knew. She was always there. That’s what mama’s do; it’s their job. I realize that I’d wrapped my entire existence around having Mama there to soak up all the tears and actually feel what I was saying. Despite the issues, whether it was an issue with my kids or my husband or my job or my friends. She knew all about and could make it go away. I became dependent on that. I had 36 years to perfect my dependency on my mother. Then, all of a sudden, she’s gone. 

How is one to adapt to that?

Some of my religious friends tell me to take it to The Creator and let Him work it out. 

Others say that time will make it better.

Many don’t know what to say and just assure me that they are here for me.

Contrary to popular opinion, none of that helps. I tried all of that. Friends offer a shoulder during that moment, but they can’t be there in the middle of the night when I wake up drenched with sorrow. Praying makes it better each time, but it always comes back. Time – well time is taking too long.

I don’t like being this way. I don’t like being affected in this manner. It makes me feel weak and incomplete. I like feeling like I am in control of me, but seems as though I have no say so what-so-ever about this pain and hurt that comes from missing my mother.

I thought losing Daddy was bad. But facing the loss of my mother, my angel, my very best friend is the hardest thing I’ve endured thus far in my life. 

The hurt seeps in and out at will. There's no warning that I’m about to enter this dark place where I’ll cry for two or three days straight. There is absolutely no method to it. It just happens – at work, at home, in my car. It just happens and there’s nothing I can do about it except to just let it happen and hope that I am not noticed.

I’m learning that this life we call ours, really isn’t ours at all. Our human bodies are only boxes that house our real true selves. We are controlled by energy and spirits that we have little knowledge about. The regular things we think matter and mean something, in the grand scheme of things, really mean nothing. It’s our spiritual lives that really mean something. The best we can do is get to know our spiritual selves and work to get along with it. Allow our inner being to do it’s will because control isn’t ours. It never has been and it won’t be even after our “boxes” get old and worn. The spirit that lives in us from birth, gets stronger as we grow older. When that spirit is hurt or in pain or sorrow, we can’t do anything about that. All we can do is allow it to heal itself. It will, at some point……. I think.