My Own Obstacle

 

Well, admittedly, I’ve been there.

 

I’ve actually found great solace in being in a certain place that I knew I’d outgrown and was very clear that a move was at hand.  I’d been taunted and tortured by this particular place, but in all its hell, I found safety.  I knew that place well.  I knew the good of it and the bad.  I knew exactly what each day there would bring.  Mostly, though, I knew that I was there and didn’t belong there.  I knew that until I moved from that place, I’d be bound by frustration.  It wasn’t even subtle.  The pain and agony illuminated each day that I resided in this place but my weary heart couldn’t (wouldn’t) rebel against the fear of the unknown.  I just could not bring myself to move.  If I’d taken a step whenever the torture slapped me in the face, I’m sure I wouldn’t have spent so much time there.  But, I did as most of my sisters (and brothers) do.  I begged The Creator to change this place for me.  I cried.  I prayed.  I smiled through the circumstances.  Unfortunately, I kept getting smacked against the head with the same lesson every time.

 

You will not be moved, until you move.

 

A couple of weeks ago, life made me face me – as it often does when I’m being hard-headed.  I walked into a store that I frequent almost daily.  I see this same girl in the store every day.  Our conversation is usually pretty general; nothing that would alter the course of any regular day.  But that day, it did. 

When I walked in, I noticed – immediately- that she wasn’t her normal cheery self.  Usually, I don’t barge into people’s worlds when I can see they are not in a good space spiritually.  That particular day though, it happened before I even knew it.  (This was the first indication that this encounter wasn’t just about her.  It was also about me.)  She looked up at me with worn eyes and sorrow in her breath.  She said, with a sigh, “Girl”. I steadied myself as I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.

 

She explained to me that she was going through a medical issue that could take her life.  She began to explain to me that her sister had gone through the exact same medical condition and she did not live through it.  Surgery could help, but after her sister never recovered from surgery she emphatically refused to even consider it.  Tears swelled in her eyes as she shared with me.  Her mother had to take care of her 25 year old sister’s kids now.  Her biggest issue with the entire situation was leaving her children.  She couldn’t.  She could not fathom not being here for them.  Even though they are well into adulthood, “they still need me”, she said.

 

Lost for words, I simply said to her, “Please give more thought to the surgery.  You never know.  It could save your life and give you more time with your children.”

 

When I returned to my truck, I said a quick prayer for her and then I thanked the Almighty for my health and my family.

 

Days later, I sat in my special place at home where I do all of my decompressing after work.  This woman fell into my spirit again.  I began to cry heavily for her.  I began to pray that it becomes clear to her what it is that she needs to do.  I know that can’t be an easy place to be in.  I knew she was scared.  I felt her fear, her pain, her agony that day in the store and it manifested this day as well.  Soon, I was so far away from this world (in my mind) that I was able to clearly see that this woman’s situation was meant for me.  The lesson that I was praying about wasn’t just hers to learn, but mine as well.

 

We are so often without faith in our everyday lives.  If you’re anything like me, it’s easy to tell people to have faith.  It’s easy to give direction but it’s not so easy to apply the same words to life.  The very same words that I’d shared with her in the store that day apply to my own life.  It applies to the very same struggle I face in that place that brings me pain, frustration, agony.  It’s not health related, although, I’m pretty sure it does contribute heavily to my hypertension and stress.  But otherwise, it’s more about just not trusting myself or The Creator enough to move from this place to what’s next in my life.  He can only show us so much before it then becomes our chore to overcome.  This is where I’ve been failing.  This is where the young lady in the store is being challenged.

 

Personally, this place of which I speak – in my life - has been healed over and over again.  But my failure to accept the call to remove myself has created a new sore even after the old one has healed.  For years, I’ve re-injured myself, like a cutter, I’ve constantly placed myself in the same pain – willingly.  I’ve torn off the scab to my scar and I know that many have done the same.  Fact of the matter is, we can continue to pull off the scab or we can let it heal and move on.  We have all the ammunition we need to heal from the mistakes, the bad decisions, the fear, the complacency, and move forward.  Unfortunately, most of the time we can’t get pass our biggest obstacle – ourselves.