My Personal Story about PERSONHOOD

Now that a collective sigh of relief (for some) is beginning to subside, I can relax a bit and bask in the refreshing silence that accompanied the outpour of outrage behind Initiative 26.  This initiative served as a personal attack for me and my family.  Not only because I am a woman who will bend over backwards for my rights, but also because I am a woman who, for most of my life, has suffered from reproductive issues.  In the last four years, I have suffered through three ectopic pregnancies.  Ironically the last of them occurred the week leading up to the vote on whether to accept or reject the Mississippi Personhood Amendment.

Twenty months ago, my husband and I made a very intentional decision to end any possible chance of having more children.  After much consideration and soul searching, we decided to have a “tubal” to prevent the chance that we’d become pregnant.  Bralynn, our beautiful blessing and daughter, had finally gotten here after years of trying, countless procedures, and many disappointments.  We figured we’d accomplished the solid family unit we'd longed for individually and together.  We have a daughter heading to college next year, a son who’ll be going to the 12th grade next year and a teenager heading to high school.  We were willing to overlook our age and physical deficiencies in order to bring life to one more child that will connect all of our children. 

God finally saw us fit to have this baby and we were S-A-T-I-S-F-I-E-D.

I went the entire month of October wondering where my “monthly friend” was hiding.  I didn’t get too worked up about it because although a bit tired and feeling a little yucky from time to time, I found it easy to swat away any thoughts of being pregnant.  How could I be pregnant anyway?  I’d had my tubes tied not even two years ago.  Well….

After finally listening to my husband, I decided to go to the doctor.  Imagine the shock that covered me when she announced that I was  indeed pregnant – again.  It was fairly early on, but my history of ectopic pregnancies lead the doctor to believe that this pregnancy would likely be tubular as well. I prayed quickly and wondered "Why Lord, why?" I knew this pregnancy was not viable and was in constant horrendous pain that seemed to get worse by the day.  I was constantly reminded that there was a life trying to make it's way to the safety of my womb, but could not.  Some may not understand what that does to a woman, a mother, a daughter who has only given birth to two children but has been pregnant five times.  It’s hurtful and still to this day having to end this pregnancy without a real, physical baby has torn a whole in my heart.  The fact that I had made the decision not to have any more children and done the responsible thing by having my tubes tied (clipped and burned as my doctor emphasized), does not mask the fact that it happened.  As a spiritual person, if these cells had gotten to my uterus and a baby actually formed there, I would have happily accepted it as a gift from God.  My husband and I would have simply become new parents – again and that would have been ok.

Because of the pain and the hormonal episodes, I was unable to advocate as I would have like against Initiative 26.  But I did do the best I could to provide information by phone and online.  But mostly, I pulled way back from the real world and I just prayed.  I prayed for relief from feeling like I’d somehow been dealt a bad hand.  When you go through this type of thing, I think that’s a pretty normal reaction.  I’m learning that it doesn’t really go away.  We just have to learn to deal with it. 

Initiative 26, if passed, would have forced me to have surgery to prevent death or any other dangers that accompany a baby growing daily in my tubes.  Doctors would not have been able to treat the non-viable pregnancy with Methotrexate which is designed to stop the growth of rapidly dividing cells, such as embryonic, fetal, and early placenta cells.  The way this initiative read, if I was given the Methotrexate, the doctor would be committing murder and I suppose, I’d be guilty of homicide.  Trust me, this is not only outrageous, but it's stupid and totally irresponsible.

I have heard many speak about the initiative as if it was just “a thing”.  I have listened to arguments about saving the babies and life begins at conception.  I don’t really argue that fact.  However, what I do have a problem with is the idea that my life does not equal in value to that of a mass of cells that will never become a viable life.  There was no way these cells would ever result in a baby, but there are people in this country who would have my life be placed in danger because it exists, even though, I did not ask for it and frankly took major steps to prevent it.  

I’m a living witness that while going through this process the last thing a woman should have to deal with is not having the liberty to make her own decision or not being able to trust her doctor to take the best possible care with her life.  I could not even complete sentences that first couple of days because I was an emotional wreck.  Having to couple that mental anguish with the idea that I’d also have to fight for my life seems strikingly unfair to me.  Surely I matter more than that. 

Surely my life matters!

While I had my last injection of Methrotexate last Thursday, I stilll find myself in tears and praying for forgiveness as if I've done something wrong.  It doesn't take long for reality to sit in and I realize that I didn't do anything wrong.  But there's no way anyone could have told me that on that first day.  The thing about this entire situation is that it affects us all differently, but it does have an affect on your mind, soul and body.  I wouldn't have made the decision to have to end the pregnancy if it was God's will.  In my opinion that would be wrong.  But Initiative 26 didn't make provisions for people in my situation.  It grouped all women under one massive blanket with the intent to control all women.

We’ve bought ourselves some time for now, but I’m sure we’ll see this initiative again.  It’s my hope that we are prepared and as informed then as we were November 8.  It is really refreshing to know that there are many other Mississippians who stood in unison to stop this initiative from enslaving us and our bodies. 

Government has no place in our womb, not now – not ever!