The Children (Anniversary Reflection)

ANNIVERSARY REFLECTION: The Children

When we were married, we took great intentional care in how we’d embrace our separate children.  He, with a daughter and a son, and me with a son, we wanted to be a whole family.  We agreed that we wanted to include the mothers of his children and the father of my son in our family.  Neither of us wanted to embrace the nature of what we’ve seen in blended families before.  We wanted no drama.  We wanted to expose our children to real love, real family, and real respect.

Well, the road has been rough.  Blended families are not easy.  It definitely hasn’t been easy for me.  There have been times when I felt really close to my husband’s daughter and times when that wasn’t the case.  There have been times where the same was the case for his son.  I remember that being the case with my husband and my son.  You never really know what to do or what to say to get to the relationship you want.  The kids have no idea but they really set the tone for what it will be.  Some think the adults set the tone, I disagree.  The kids (at a certain age) dictate how the relationship will be.

I’d like to think that I’ve made myself available for my step-children.  I’d like to think that they know how much I love them.  I’d like to think that they see in me a person who deserves respect.  But I know that I haven’t always done things the right way.  Children see our mistakes and they become a part of them.

When the relationship started getting serious, I felt like it had to be ok with my son first.  I found out that deep inside he still had hope that his father and I would find our way back to each other.  I think that hope directed how he’d react to my being with another man.  He said it was cool; but he acted differently.  He rebelled against my future husband.  It was difficult to diagnose initially.  But, we sat him down and explained that this was how life was going to be and he needed to honor me by respecting my choice to be with this man.  I also had to say words to him that cut him to the core: I am never going to be with your daddy again.  That part of my life is over.  Being that real with him was difficult.  But I've always treated him in a manner where sugar-coating was not acceptable.  Although, it took a while, he eventually got it (or he pretended to until he was convinced).

On our wedding day, our children spoke to us in the most beautiful way.  They announced to all who could hear them that they welcomed us as step parents.  Brad’s daughter said she’d always seen me as a step mother.  Shon, my son, told Brad that he looked forward to being his step-son.  While Julian, the youngest son, still seems to be adjusting, we are dedicated to proving to him and the rest of the kids that we are now and will always be a family.

We were prayerful for another child to bridge the gap and connect our families.  When we were finally blessed with this precious baby, it sort of sealed our belief that God placed us all together.  That single soul, The Little One, pieced together two different families and made us all one whole family. 

When we married each other, we married each others’ children.  We made vows to each other and to each other’s children.  So as we celebrate our fourth anniversary, we celebrate his children, my child - our children.  There is nothing more important to either of us than making up for the mistakes we made early in their lives. I believe that we've accepted our faults and have dedicated ourselves to doing better.  We know we’re not perfect human beings and so we understand we are not perfect parents.  But our love for our children is abundant.  Brandi was like 8 years old when I came into her father’s life.  She is now almost 19.  We’ve grown up with these children.  Now we get to watch them be adults.  WOW!

So to our children, on our anniversary, I want them to know that I cherish their very breath.  I have not done all the right things or said all the right things but there is no book of instructions on how to be a step mother.  You just have to be lead by love and find the role you’re supposed to play.  I admit I’ve had a hard time figuring out my role.  But, I’ve always been there and I always will be.  My love for your father makes my heart full of love for you, Brandi and Julian.  I’m sure Brad echoes these same sentiments with Shon.  We will travel the journey together with our only desire being to remain a family full of love and respect.  It is our desire to see you succeed in your chosen paths and that you learn- if nothing else- to let your path be guided by love.

“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children.  One of these is roots, the other, wings.” – Hodding Carter

Never forget your roots and always remember to fly!